Getting help

So I saw my psychiatrist on Monday after work--our conversation was quite interesting.

I want to preface this with telling you that if you're experiencing any suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-injury to call your doctor or go to the emergency room. Someone cares, you just can't necessarily think of someone at the moment.

Anyway, she asked me if I was ready to come back to her office and in my exhausted state of mind, I told her yes, but she was, in no way, prepared for me.

By the end of appointment, I was put on an anti-anxiety medicine that I can take every 4-6 hours as needed and she wants me to continue the ambien in conjunction with the anti-anxiety medicine. I'll see her again after Christmas and New Year's, unless something happens in the meantime--which, by God, I hope not. 

“The punishment of every disordered mind is its own disorder.”
― Saint Augustine of Hippo, Confessions 

Now, I don't know if this is all stress induced or anxiety induced--or, hell, all of the above--but my migraines have become more frequent and I'm spending a lot more time in the bathroom.

Thank God for an understanding boyfriend and family (most of the time) and friends. Yesterday was really frustrating, though, as I ate lunch and immediately lost my lunch right after. I certainly hope this isn't starting up again. I've been so dizzy today, the mysterious rash on my stomach is back and I have one heck of a headache. It's my boyfriend's birthday on Saturday--I don't want to be sick.

His friend and his friend's girlfriend want to do dinner on Friday night--and while that may not seem like a huge deal to most, let me give you some background. When all of these symptoms began (the running to the bathroom, the anxiety with that, dizziness, etc.), I was afraid to go anywhere. I didn't see a movie for month. I could hardly work because the bathroom was in the back of the store. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year (a year in January) and have yet to meet one of his best friends because I have such bad anxiety, I can hardly leave my apartment sometimes--or I'm just too tired to go anywhere--or I'm too sick to go anywhere (let's be honest, most of the time, it's a combination of all of the above). His friends get frustrated with that, and I can't say I blame them. My boyfriend, bless his heart, defends me left and right, but I can't imagine he wants to date a homebody his entire life--and I can't blame him. That scares me because after spending so much time with one person, it's hard to imagine your life any other way.

Going out to dinner is a big deal for me. It's so much easier and more comfortable for me to order food and eat it in my apartment. There's less anxiety of being around a lot of people and that way, if the food makes my stomach upset, I know where there's a bathroom and it's private. Going out with his friends means being socially acceptable for X amount of time and then who knows if they'll want to do something afterwards or if the food will make me sick--and if the food makes me sick (and it probably will, because everything makes me sick, I swear), how can I excuse myself from them for a long period of time without it becoming a big deal--especially if I need to do so multiple times?

In defense of these people, they are truly amazing people. They probably wouldn't think much of it, and if they did, they surely wouldn't say anything to me--but this is what my life comes to. If I go anywhere, I have to make sure that there is a readily-accessible bathroom near me at all times, in case something happens. And this has been my life for the last seven years.

My brother, sister and I went to rent movies over Thanksgiving break last week. We were gone for a half hour, tops, and on the drive home (10-15 minutes), I literally almost had an accident in the car. I am 23 years old, I should not have to consider wearing diapers (not to mention, that's just an entirely disturbing and slightly disgusting concept).

My point to this blog post is a little strewed today but here it is: Everyone struggles--whether you can see it or not. I know I've breached this topic before, but it's one that is close to my heart and one that isn't talked about enough. I have chronic pain, chronic illness and mental health problems--but can you see any of that? Okay, sometimes you can tell when I'm struggling with my mental health--but does the fact that you cannot visually see all of my problems negate the problem? No. It doesn't make it any less of a problem.

Please, consider that the next time you want to judge someone. Just because you cannot see something does not make it any less real.

"We’re invisible because we look perfectly well.  It’s not always clear by looking at us that we’re severely ill.  We’re often invisible because we’re at home.  We’re not seen; we’re not out in the world.  But we’re also invisible because the medical conversation leaves us out of the picture.  In recent years things are changing, but back in the ‘80s and ‘90s there was virtually no medical language to talk about a chronic, persistent illness like chronic fatigue syndrome.  And that renders a kind of invisibility." 

-Encounters with the Invisible: Chronic Illness, Controversy, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome by Dorothy Wall