First and foremost, I've endured a migraine for the last three days with an unknown trigger. Was it the unseasonably warm weather that made me so miserable? Whatever it was, I've gone between the bathroom and the couch for the last three days. Not a fun way to start the week. And then I got a stomach bug, on top of already living in the bathroom. To say that I've been cranky may be the understatement of the year.
For those of you wondering, I did tell my psychiatrist about my increased anxiety and frustrations. I've been put on anti-anxiety medicine that I can take as needed throughout the day and she wants me to continue trying to ambien to see if the combination of medicine will help. So far, it's...okay. It's only been 10 days since this change has been implemented (who's counting, right?), and while there's been a slight change in my anxiety, I'm still really anxious and wary most days.
I did manage to get ready and go out with my boyfriend, his friend and his friend's girlfriend on Friday night--even though I think that's when my stomach bug began. I started to feel like I was going to throw up about an hour before we left, which I chalked up to my anxiety, but it lasted all night, so there's no telling if it was my anxiety or the stomach bug considering my stomach has been upset since. I'm proud of myself for making it out to dinner, and I think my boyfriend appreciated it...but he never really said one way or another. He told me that he would take me home and that I didn't have to stay out if I didn't feel well, etc, but never said that he was glad that I was able to say or anything.
“Never make the mistake of thinking you are alone — or inconsequential. Ignorance is voluntary and confusion is temporary. You see the world as-is, which is more than can be said for the vast populace.”
― Rebecca McKinsey, Sydney West
― Rebecca McKinsey, Sydney West
Even us crazies like gratification. It wasn't easy for me to stay out and meet his friend and go to a restaurant when I wanted to throw up everywhere. I could've just as easily asked him to take me back to the apartment, but I didn't. I toughed it out. Sometimes, I feel like I bend over backwards for people and there's no "payoff." This all may make me sound like a terrible person, but such is life--we all need to vent, right?
**The following rant is to no one person in particular, but rather just to a general "you" since it applies to more than one person. **
It's not easy for me to go out of my way for you to pick something up or to cook you meals--please don't expect it. Also, please don't act like I don't exist (sorry about that double negative) when you go to get food and I'm sitting right next to you--isn't it polite to at least offer, even if you think you know I'll decline?
It's in my blood to do my best to make the people in my life happy--I have a tendency to spoil those people who are in my life. I try not to expect anything in return because I am so sick, so frequently, that the people in my life do more than enough by being my support system--but when I'm around, I would at least like to feel respected and wanted and like I'm a valuable person in your life, and as of late, I haven't felt like that. I've felt used and felt that you were ungrateful for everything I've tried to do for you.
I know that I've made the decision to do all of these things for the people in my life, but I'd feel selfish not doing these things. I'm all for giving, don't get me wrong, but I wish there was more grateful receiving.
This isn't what I intended on writing about today, so maybe I'll post again later tonight, but I hope you remember to be grateful this holiday season. If you're receiving, also remember to give. Be grateful for your family, friends, coworkers--your support system. Be grateful for your health, for there are some of us who would give anything to not have to take sick days or spend the majority of our time in the bathroom or in bed. Be grateful for the roof over your head, even with as sick as I am, I know how much worse it would/could be if I didn't have a home (and a bathroom!!) to go back to every night.
Amidst all of the negativity, anger and frustration, always try to find something to be grateful for.
If you try hard to do that, so will I.
“We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.”
― John F. Kennedy
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