What is your STRENGTH?

I can complain. I can whine better than anyone I know--I have perfected the art of pouting. If that isn't evident by now from my posts, then clearly you haven't been reading very closely.

Something that I don't think I do very well, however, is give myself credit where credit is due. Sometimes--most of the time--I think I brush aside how much I help others, survive my day, and still have spoons left to crawl into bed (or the couch, as of late) at the end of the night. I don't do this because I'm humble (though I try to be humble--there's irony there, somewhere) but because I just don't see how I could possibly help others more than they help me.

A few people come to mind instantaneously. One who is constantly asking me what she can do for me because I've always been so kind in listening to her and helping her, that she wants to do whatever she can to repay the favor. In my eyes, there's nothing to repay. Friendship knows no limits--there is no set amount that needs to be paid or repaid. She has listened to me just as much as I have listened to her, and quite frankly, I think she's listened to me complain more than she's asked me for advice (because I'm the queen of complaining, remember?). I worked from home last week for 3.5 days and she went out of her way and made me soup and brought it to me when I was sick with the flu, taking all of my dietary restrictions into mind, and also threw in crackers and hot tea. Do you have any idea how long it's been since anyone's made me soup when I was sick that wasn't my mom? My heart was so full that day because of a kind gesture by this person--because she said she owed me and because she wanted to help. The world needs more people like her.

Another person is a new friend--someone who "lives" a similar life I "live"--if you can call surviving the way we're forced to survive, in a trapped body that we cannot control, living. It's always been comforting to have someone who understands your pain, someone who can say "I get it" and "sometimes, I just get sick of fighting and I need a break." Last night, I was humbled in that she reached out to me because she had a rough day. I was the confidant. I was the person who understood. I was the person to vent to. I love being that person. I love being able to say "I'm sorry, I hate what you're going through, I'm so sorry. How can I help? I understand. I know the pain you feel. I feel it, too. Here's how we get through it...here's where you find your strength....here's some of my strength."

She was so grateful at the end of the conversation and that was empowering. I wish more people could/would reach out to me and speak with me about their struggles. I understand how much it sucks to be in constant (or even temporary) pain and to be brought down with illness--it effects your entire life--it consumes every aspect of your life--your relationships, your friendships, your family life, your work, your down time, who you are as a person and who you want to be--I get it. I understand the sacrifices you have to make, the love you have to walk away from, the emptiness of no diagnosis, the hope of getting a diagnosis and the symptoms not going away, the ups and downs of feeling like you have strength one day only to wake up the next day to feel completely defeated.

It's like I said in my last post...

My life is a battle. I fight for my life.

I fight for my friends and for my family, too...because they are my life, too. They are my life, especially when I see no hope in the battle anymore.

My friends...

There is always hope.