A catch-up

I write this while medicated. What I find so interesting is that the times that I'm medicated for pain, the time that I am at my most vulnerable and most raw--are the times I miss my grandma the most. I haven't even begun to heal from losing her, and I think that this proves it.

Here are all the prompts and quotes from what I've missed out on--there's a theme for most.

Feb. 18

"When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing."

Assignment: Today, recall something you used to love to do but gave up to be a grown up. Make a date to do it.

Feb. 19

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain."

Assignment: Today, smile each time you see the color red. (Take a long, deep breath and feel the pain melt away.)

Feb. 20

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

Assignment: Today, smile each time you see the color orange. (Can you feel the limitations falling away?)

Feb. 21

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

Assignment: "Today, smile each time you see the color yellow. (Can you feel that shell breaking?)

February 18: I used to dance. I used to perform, sing, dance, let my emotions flow freely through my voice, through my movements--and after my surgeries and procedures, I just couldn't do it anymore. My body said enough was enough. I could/can literally feel the scar tissue tearing. Dancing was how I expressed my emotions. I left everything I had on that stage. I want to start again, but don't know that my body is strong enough for me to do that. There's a racquetball court on-site at my apartment complex, if I could get in there and use the floor to try to dance again...who knows what may happen.

Feb 19-21: I haven't left the apartment a lot lately, because of the pain. My trips have been to the local grocery store to get prescriptions and some other essentials prior to the central Iowa snowpocalypse (it's currently sleeting on top of a few inches of snow here). The irony is, I smile the most with the color orange--why? Because my pill bottles are orange that's what I see the most of. But I also see a lot of yellow because I am a die-hard Iowa Hawkeyes fan (to my boyfriends dismay, since he's an Iowa State fan) so there is plenty of black and gold in my apartment. All of that aside, I don't think I smile enough. I think I dwell on the things that tie me down to the point that I can't focus on the positive, and it's time to break that habit. It's time to smile more. It's time to let the happiness and love back in.