Untitled (intentionally)

I am unhappy. 

I think that's been clear, considering my recent posts, struggling with whether I should be going back on my anti-depressants and being put on different anti-anxiety medicine, but do you have any idea how hard it is to own up to being unhappy?

Talking to a coworker about some things going on in my life in the last few days, I honestly started spewing off a list about why I was unhappy...and then I just stopped. I literally just ended it with "because, because, because..."

I can give you a seemingly endless list as to why I am unhappy, yet most days I overlook how blessed I am.

I have more clothes than any normal person should ever own (which has led me to realize that I'm going to be donating a lot to Goodwill later this week--I need to give back, especially since it's gotten colder and from what my coworkers have told me from their Goodwill shopping for an ugly sweater, they're lacking). I have a roof over my head. I have more than enough food to be healthy and have a full stomach at night (whenever my stomach cooperates enough to eat). I have indoor plumbing--which is something that most people don't outwardly see as something to be grateful for, but let me tell you, with all the time I spend in the bathroom and how cold it is, I am extremely grateful for.

I'm able to pay for my bills with minimal stress (most of the time). I have an amazing support system in my family, even if they don't always agree with my medicine or way I live my life--I love them and they always do what they can to support me.

I also have amazing friends, who are willing to do whatever it takes to get me happy and healthy. They support me through the ups and the downs, and love me--even when it's not easy to love me.

I have lost so much in my life--the last couple of months, especially. Regardless, I also have a lot to be thankful for--but knowing that, I still struggle.

I still get angry and upset easily, because I feel like I'm being overlooked and under appreciated in certain relationships.

I still miss my grandma so much, sometimes it hurts to breathe.

I still feel like a terrible daughter and sister when I can't come home for the weekend when they want me to, because I have prior commitments.

I still feel like a burden. To everyone.

And I don't know how to fix that.

This is raw, this is real. I'm vulnerable and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't think anything will change, but I've never tried this angle on it before--maybe it will help--and maybe this will knock me on my ass.

Words of encouragement are always welcome. I don't know how to shake this.